Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Who am I?

I am reminded today how frail we all are. How complicated pregnancy can be. That the miracle of having a baby is no small feat. I have very mixed emotions today... sorrow, anger, thankfulness, unworthiness, etc. It just goes on.

It's so hard not to ask questions like, Why does God give some the desires of their hearts, others who want something so badly but yet their hearts are continually broken, and then others who don't want something He allows for it to happen. Let me clarify, why does He allow someone like me to have a healthy pregnancy, someone else who wants a baby so badly and has numerous miscarriages and yet still another person gets pregnant out of wedlock and didn't want a baby?

I am so thankful the Lord has watched over me and Wyatt so far and has blessed me with a boy. I'm so sad for a friend who just found out she miscarried for the 4th time today. I am so angry that they and their family cannot be as happy as I am at this moment. I am mad that everyday people who do not want children get them. THis is another example of my frailty and my sinfulness.

I know all of this sounds so....human. lol I'm not sure how else to describe it. Who am I to judge how the Lord works? Who am I to say that He is not making the right decisions. But yet, who am I to be blessed with this baby growing inside of me? My heart hurts! I almost felt embarrassed or ashamed in some way to see my friend today whose family has had such heart ache with miscarriages.

All I know to do is trust in the Lord. I'm at a loss for anything else. Like my friend said today, I want to ask God why is He doing this, but honestly I know I don't want the answer. We deserve so much worse than we ever go through. All we can do is know that He is working in us what is pleasing to Him. We praise Him anyway.

Habakkuk 3:18-19
"18 Yet I will exult in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.
19 The Lord GOD is my strength,
And He has made my feet like hinds' feet,
And makes me walk on my high places."